Festus Porkmeyer is selling his Octafish

The Bonzer of the ball: Octafish. 5’11” x wide x thick. (Porky’s dimensions: 5’12” x 155 x fat as fark.) Excellent condition. $500?

This surfboard is durable. Proof?

Here’s an e-mail from Porky to the glasser: “I mistimed an exit from the water at a violent North Coast lagoon break. I tried to race this triple-up to the beach, but it yanked my legs out from under me, rolling that new green Bonzer and me, face first, across the rocks. I lost my good looks, but, happily, the board is perfectly intact. Maybe Moonlight could use that for a slogan. Or you could just outsource it?“

The glasser’s e-mail response: “Always put flesh over fiberglass in a crash. Flesh grows back, sometimes in interesting patterns. And that is a good slogan. Its being painted in bright red lead based paint on a baby toy as we speak.“

Don’t let the board’s green shades fool you. The blank is composed entirely of tightly interwoven cigarette butts. The glassing schedule? Layer upon forkin’ layer of low-grade methamphetamine byproduct residuals Pinliner and Porky scraped from the bottom of industrial-size drums while researching their soon-to-be-released feature film, A Boatload of Tweakers. As Porky mentioned: Durable. Anyone know the number for the EPA? The Superfund people?

e-mail porkmeyer@yahoo.com
*Private party, do not contact Moonlight or Surfy Surfy for this board.
See also: Surfy Surfy: Trusty Dusty Octa-Fishin'
Art from Sissyfish.